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Feb 01

Happily Ever After - Not Your Parents Marriage

Posted by admin2  filed under Marriage   0 Comment(s)    Add a Comment  comment-icon.png

Our parents marriage  has more of an influence on us and our marriage than we think - What you see them do - You do! What you didn’t see them do you also won’t do!

Your parents marriage can have a damaging impact on your marriage. Regardless of what kind of marriage they had.


Let’s look at 3 ways your parents marriage can have a negative affect on your marriage.


1- Damage of Comparison

    Both positive and negative comparisons can be damaging.


You may think you had the greatest parents in the world!

Dad - Superhero

Mom - Mrs. Clever   They both demonstrate the 16 characteristics Paul Lays out in 1 Corinthians.

You want your husband to be like your dad/wife to be like your mom - sort of….

SO..You treat your spouse just like that! You subconsciously compare your spouse to your parents.


DAD/MOM…handled things like….. 


Here is the implication you are stating - “Husband/Wife you do not stack up very well to my expectation.”


“You do not stack up to the perception of my parents.”

“Our marriage really does not meet the STANDARD”


Reality - Perception is always a-skewed!


Your perception or measuring up could also be a negative one. I think this is more dangerous than the first because we think it is the right thing to do.


“I do not want to be like my mom/dad….” Drunks, abusive, run arounds…

I will not be like that…I want to be different.


By constantly comparing yourself to your parents or to anyone for that matter whether good or bad you are accomplishing two things:


1 - Transformation

    The very trait you despise in your parents is the very trait you will tend to outwardly display - Take on this trait without even knowing it.

The harder you try to not be like your parents the more you end up like them.


2 - Justification

    The more preoccupied you become with the traits and your parents the more you start grading yourself on a curve.

“I know I am not perfect but…”

“I know I am not the husband/wife I am suppose to be but…”

“At least I didn’t do what my dad/mom did to my mom/dad/me.”


1- Damage of Comparison

2- Damage of Withholding Blessing

The Bible speaks a lot about blessings. It mentions things such as words, affirmation and healthy touch.

These things are important in a marriage and if you did not get them from your parents then you will look for these blessings in other ways. Dating, Emotional, Physical.

You will look to your spouse for a substitute blessing - Husbands and wives do not make good parents to each other. 



The third way your parents marriage can have a negative affect on your marriage.


3- Damage of Abuse

    I know this may strike a cord with some of you. Maybe you were abused or are very close to someone who was or is abused.

Whether it was a physical abuse, sexual abuse, mental, verbally, or neglect - It is a direct, profound evil - and it is not how God intended or intends for you to live out your life.


Whatever damage the impact had on you, no matter what kind of damage you had to endure the question that begs to be answered is…..How am I going to deal with this damage moving forward?

Your first reaction is going to be revenge…Overt or covert!


Overt - Outward actions, leaving nothing hidden about your anger and frustration.

Covert - Subtle - Withdrawing, Suppressing emotions - hoping it will all just go away. In essence what you are saying is, “I am done with you, life, whatever…” Spread hurtful Gossip - 

Most of you can identify with the overt handling of anger BUT how about the subtle side of the hurtfulness?


Look at the one thing that God says has to be part of the process when we have been hurt by someone, or in some way, whether directly or indirectly.

This is what God says: This is the one word that you probably would not have related to having a happily ever after marriage…The one word you probably hoped I would not mention…




Why do we have to deal with forgiveness? 


1- Unforgiveness is self-destructive


Hebrews 12:15

See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. 

When grace is not alive in our own lives it not only causes trouble in our lives but also in the lives of those around us.


Unforgiveness is based on the root of sin - “selfishness”


2- The Forgiven Forgive

Do you wish that your husband/wife/kids would forgive more? Then start asking for forgiveness and offering forgiveness!


Matthew 6:14-15

14For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.


Jesus is serious when he says this and he makes his point again in Chapter 18.

Let me set the story up for you:


Servant owes 10,000 talents = 150,000 years of work for that time.

Master forgives debt close to $2B

Servant does not forgive the debt of a man who owes him money = 1 Days worth of work


Matthew 18:32-35

“Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ 34In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

35“This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.”


This is not a “I forgave so now God owes me one” or God is obligated to you!

It has to do with your capacity to experience grace.


If you cannot extend grace then you will never be able to truly experience God’s Grace.


The principle: The forgiven forgive = If you cannot forgive then you will not be forgiven! But more than that If you cannot forgive then you really have not experienced God’s Grace!


The Servant who did not forgive, never truly internalized the forgiveness that was given to him. If he had, then he would have shown the same forgiveness.




How do I forgive?

1- Pray for those who hurt you

    Not a negative prayer  - Pray like Jesus prayed when he was on the cross! “Father forgive them”


Matthew 5:43-44

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 


This is not easy - it is hard to push our flesh aside and forgive people! 


Right actions come before right feelings! Do not wait for the feelings of forgiveness to develop. Do not wait until you feel authentic or you don’t feel hypocritical - act immediately.

The action precedes the feelings!

It may or may not change them but it will definitely change you!


2- Embrace a process that Leads to Surrender

    Forgiveness is a process not a 1 step and there all is right again process but a maturing process that leads to complete surrender of the heart, will and emotions.




Wrestle with it - this is ok—- Feel something but you can’t put words to it!


Seek counsel/advice - Someone who will speak the truth in love. NOT a gossip ring.


Respond - Boundaries are setup, it is OK to forgive from a distance.


Surrender - I cannot fix this, I cannot right this wrong - God I surrender it to you!!


Grace Defies Reason

Grace Defies Logic


Christ’s death disrupts the “Karma” “What goes around comes around” “Reap what you sow” mantra’s that we hold people to and wish upon others.

When we surrender we are acknowledging Christ’s death on the Cross as a covered payment for all who have hurt us, going to hurt us!

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